Doubt

Ever since I graduated, I've drifted. I'm now at the point where I have a job that pays well, compared to minimum wage, rent & my bills are always paid on time, & I have some left over each month to save against a rainy day. Still though, that drive that says, "You should have more" won't stop.

I want to own my own home at some point. At the same time, I'm almost thirty & I don't know where my career is going. I don't even know that I have a "career" or just a "job". There is a difference, & I wouldn't want to gamble a mortgage on it. I don't have the funds for a down payment or enough to act as my own landlord. Plumbing breaks down in an apartment, you call maintenance & maybe have to go to the gas station to use the bathroom & skip a shower for the day. In a house, you shell out however much the plumber will charge & choose between gas & groceries until payday.

I think about the time I wasted after graduation feeling sorry for myself & I squirm. I was where I was due to my own life choices. Only myself to blame. I could have gone to graduate school, or chosen a different major. I could have gotten out more & met more people. That whole year after is the one I wish I could change.

I know where I go depends on me & what I choose to do. I'm not sure what that may be. Lately I've been wanting to get more education. MIT has their open courseware that I've begun to explore. I may start with that & see where it goes. I could go back for my MFA in creative writing, though that doesn't have a lot of appeal. The other option I started to look into is law school. For requirements, you don't need a specific undergraduate degree. There's the application process & having to take the LSATs. There's also the time & money concerns. If it helps to improve my prospects, though, it could be worthwhile. 

It's always the time that I come back to. I'm at the age a woman almost has to choose between family & career goals. I don't want to have a baby anytime soon with how uncertain everything feels. I'm aware that I have a window, however, & that I might not know how limited it is until I'm seriously attempting it. I've gotten very selfish with how I spend my time, & I don't want to waste any more of it. 

I'm tired of having to answer the questions I ask myself with "I don't know". "Where will you be in five years?" "Where do you want to live?" "What kind of job do you want to have?"