In the Desert

Writing about myself feels like pulling last week's leftovers from the bottom of the fridge & trying to convince myself that I'm still hungry for them. Except that there's an added element of danger in writing, because there's never the emotional equivalent of a bear trap lurking in your leftovers. There's possible food poisoning, but that's only risking a day spent on/near the toilet. Dredging up old memories to try & write about them--SNAP!

When I'm happy with my life, I just want to live it. Enjoy every moment, whether it's trying out a new restaurant with Wook-Wook, or smoking a cigar on the front lawn. I'd add in the occasional vodka tonic but it's not October 30th yet, so that will have to wait. Only 60 days to go!

The times I've been sad, or discontented, or furious? I just want them over with, & once they're gone, I want them to stay where I put them. I'm still bitter as hell over what I've gone through. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth to remember & it's draining. Why bother? Why not just let those memories sit on the bottom shelf until they've disintegrated?

What good does it do to remember how it felt to realize I was nothing but a body to the guys I dated? That sickening feeling of being flesh & only flesh, that it didn't matter what I thought or what I felt or what I hoped & dreamed for. That all was just a minor annoyance to deal with to them.

To remember that I failed a lot of my friends? I avoided phone calls & texts & made excuses so I could stay at home & brood. There was a sense of wanting to spare them from seeing me so depressed, but I know I pushed them away. That was me, not the depression.

To remember what I dreamed about having at this point in my life? I have the feeling a lot of people, even if they're happy with how their life is now, just like me, they still remember the "could haves" & get sad.

Why? Because it is bitter. And because it is my heart.

Doubt

Ever since I graduated, I've drifted. I'm now at the point where I have a job that pays well, compared to minimum wage, rent & my bills are always paid on time, & I have some left over each month to save against a rainy day. Still though, that drive that says, "You should have more" won't stop.

I want to own my own home at some point. At the same time, I'm almost thirty & I don't know where my career is going. I don't even know that I have a "career" or just a "job". There is a difference, & I wouldn't want to gamble a mortgage on it. I don't have the funds for a down payment or enough to act as my own landlord. Plumbing breaks down in an apartment, you call maintenance & maybe have to go to the gas station to use the bathroom & skip a shower for the day. In a house, you shell out however much the plumber will charge & choose between gas & groceries until payday.

I think about the time I wasted after graduation feeling sorry for myself & I squirm. I was where I was due to my own life choices. Only myself to blame. I could have gone to graduate school, or chosen a different major. I could have gotten out more & met more people. That whole year after is the one I wish I could change.

I know where I go depends on me & what I choose to do. I'm not sure what that may be. Lately I've been wanting to get more education. MIT has their open courseware that I've begun to explore. I may start with that & see where it goes. I could go back for my MFA in creative writing, though that doesn't have a lot of appeal. The other option I started to look into is law school. For requirements, you don't need a specific undergraduate degree. There's the application process & having to take the LSATs. There's also the time & money concerns. If it helps to improve my prospects, though, it could be worthwhile. 

It's always the time that I come back to. I'm at the age a woman almost has to choose between family & career goals. I don't want to have a baby anytime soon with how uncertain everything feels. I'm aware that I have a window, however, & that I might not know how limited it is until I'm seriously attempting it. I've gotten very selfish with how I spend my time, & I don't want to waste any more of it. 

I'm tired of having to answer the questions I ask myself with "I don't know". "Where will you be in five years?" "Where do you want to live?" "What kind of job do you want to have?"

Only 90 days to go

This past Monday, after downing a vodka-tonic & a vodka-lemonade, I decided I was going to stop drinking for the next 3 months. It was for vanity reasons, I'll admit. I've noticed that I've gained weight & just generally had a puffy, bloated feeling for some time now. 

I woke up Tuesday with a relatively bad hangover: headache, nausea & feeling faint because I was dehydrated. I spent the day drinking water at work & by 5, I felt back to "normal." That night, no drinks. It wasn't hard to do, given how sick I had felt that morning.

What I didn't realize was how much drinking had insinuated itself into my life.

I woke up Wednesday with my body ready to battle the headache & nausea again. It almost felt like it was there for real, until I reminded myself I hadn't had anything to drink. Then I relaxed. That's also happened the last 2 mornings as well, my body bracing against the expected pain, then relaxing when it hasn't come.

That tells me I've been drinking more than I should have been. My body needs this break. I don't like to throw around the word, "addict," mostly because I've known a few & it's something that some of my family members have struggled with. To say that I'm one seems to trivialize it. I haven't had cravings to drink again, granted it's only been 3 days now, but it's been relatively easy for me. I've seen people that literally couldn't go a full day without a drink or a joint unless they were incarcerated.

In the coming weeks, I may change my mind, of course. I'm still at the start of this, after all. I really didn't think my body would be bracing for a hangover every morning, so that proves I don't have full insight quite yet.

I decided that if I make it to October 30th without drinking, I will buy myself a bottle. Not of alcohol, but perfume. I recently bought a sample of Lyric Woman by Amouage & fell in love with it. It's a smoky, mossy, spicy rose with an incense & cardamom-drenched drydown. It's also $275 for a 50 ml bottle. However, the 100 ml bottle is only $315. It's like they're giving me 50 more mls just for spending $40 more.

On that note, I will wrap this up with a self-portrait I took in my bedroom just now. I have no idea if not drinking is going to have an effect on my looks or not, but I did want to take a picture in case there is one.