Culinary Catastrophes Episode 634.5

The following is my thought process while cooking a Moroccan Cottage Pie.

1) I'm going to have to touch raw meat, aren't I? So gross. No, wait, I can just use the wooden spoon to hurl the meat in the pot! SCORE!

2) Try & make me cry, onion? Huh? HUH? Who's tough now! Who's not crying & also not diced! That would be me, loser! Take that!

3) Oh crap, that plate I so carefully lined with paper towels isn't going to take more than half this meat! Crap, crap, crap! There goes another dish for me to wash.

4) I don't need measuring spoons, I know what a 1/2 teaspoon looks like . . . don't I? Was that too much ginger? Crap, it was! Maybe if I add more of the other spices it'll all come even.

5) "Add the tomato paste"? WTF?!? This recipe did not say I needed tomato paste! THERE IS NO TOMATO PASTE MENTIONED IN THE LIST OF INGREDIENTS, SO YOU CAN GO SUCK A FAT--oh wait, there it is. Lucky I keep the tube of tomato paste around in case of such emergencies.

6) OMG, when I added the red wine to the pot, the purple separated from the rest of the liquid! I am SO not drinking any of that. This bottle can stay in the fridge till we've moved out.

7) This pot isn't going to be big enough for the meat to soak in the liquid--no, just enough room as long as I don't need to stir. Who ever heard of stirring stew, anyway? Sounds like loser talk.

8) Now for the mashed sweet potatoes to go on top. I totally got this. Mashed potatoes are impossible to screw up.

9) !#%&, how did Wook-Wook separate the egg yolks out last time we made this? I wasn't paying attention. I need them now, what to do, what to do? Wait, I have fingers! Genius!

10) Idiot.

11) So gross.

12) Where the !#%& did the soap go? I need to wash my hands five minutes ago!

13) All right, we're on the back stretch now. The stew is in the casserole dish, now to spread the mash on top & throw it in the oven to have some alone time.

14) F*CK! $H*T! F*CK$H*T!!!! THAT WAS TOO MUCH NUTMEG! NOOOOOOOO!

15) No, wait, it looks just like the picture, aside from the fact I didn't pipe the potatoes on top of the pie. What am I, British? I ain't got time for that.

16) Damn, this smells good. But now I'm not hungry . . .

Stay tuned for my continuing kitchen adventures! Next Episode: "Bread Without a Maker".