4 Foods I Can't Recommend Eating While Your Life is Dripping Out of Your Nose, One Sneeze at a Time

Would you believe it's been so long since I had a cold that I didn't recognize it coming on?  Sunday, I had this burning sore sensation at the back of my throat and thought, "Damn you, Prevacid!  You are supposed to have this heartburn WHIPPED by now!!!"  Monday morning I was a shattered wreck of a human being, held together by Ibuprofen and Claritin while I cursed in my bathroom for not being able to find the Robitussen behind all my bottles of perfume.  I rallied enough to make it to work, but that wasn't an option this morning.

So, on this sick day, I'm taking my mother's advice and feeding my cold.  I went to Wal Mart and found the grossest foods I could to try and outrage this virus into leaving my body.  At least, that's my excuse.  The truth is, when I get sick, it's disgusting.

4)  House of Tsang's Saigon Sizzle Chicken Noodle Soup 

What I want right now is a nice big bowl of Hot and Sour soup from the Chinese restaurant across the street from my apartment.  I settled for this, however, because reasons (It was 10:15ish and the place wasn't open yet).

It seemed innocuous enough when I opened the container to microwave it.  There was that layer of "solid" on top you tend to get with this type of "food", but I was pretty sure that would dissolve when I nuked it.

It didn't.

I was too horrified to take a picture of it, opting instead to mash it up with my spoon and stir it, all the while chanting that mystical phrase, "It's probably safe for human consumption."

It tasted like it had been put together in the factory by someone who had once seen a bowl of hot n sour soup, flavored by the tears that fell from his/her eyes as they imagined what it might feel like to be loved.

I can remember what it felt like to cry, but somehow no longer can . . .

3) Animal Crackers Dipped in Chocolate Frosting

You thought I was kidding about that whole me-being-disgusting-while-ill thing?  Aw, your naivete is sweet but will not save you from a life of disappointment and pain.

Animal cracker kinda have an almost-lemony flavor to them that mixes well with the chocolate frosting.  Then it makes me remember all those birthdays where I had requested a chocolate cake and got served a yellow cake with chocolate frosting.  Not the same thing.  A yellow cake with chocolate frosting is like biting into a buffalo wing where the insides are somehow spinach.

Anyway, the sugar rush momentarily made me feel better, then gave me stomach cramps.  Also the frosting looked sort of like poop.

2) Chili Cheese Fritos

It's like a Frito pie, only in chip form, and you can't even pretend that this is real food.  This bag knows you want it.  It's sitting there in the chip aisle, going, "Silly mortals, don't pretend you want those cracked-pepper-and-olive-oil kettle chips.  Come on over here, let's do this."

So you do.

Or at least I do.

1) Grapefruit Juice

People always recommend orange juice to me, but I can only take that in limited quantities.  This is the good stuff.  You can tell because it says "All Natural" right on the bottle.  Sure, the only way it could probably be more unnatural is if they harvest it from a sleeping Cthulhu's testicles down in R'lyeh, but my colds respond well to both vitamin C and lies. 

My only complaint about this juice?  It didn't come with vodka, and Wal Mart doesn't carry Reyka.  Grrrr.

The Day After a Most Auspicious Birthday, In Which I Have Been Mostly Alive for Three Decades, And What I Wish to tell My Twenties Now That They are Over

Suck a dick.*



*Warning: this blog post contained Graphic Language. If you wish to complain about having been forced to read something you found on the Internet that you voluntarily clicked on that offended you, please see the above. Also note that I have not, in fact, disabled your Back button, & that you yourself can make the dirty naughty words go away by clicking it. 

My blog, deal with it. If I think of something really insightful about growing up I might update this post, otherwise the above sums it up. 

Randomness - May 19, 2014

This will probably be a light, fluffy blog post. I don't care if it seems out of place amid the other ones, I want to get into the habit of posting at least once a week, & if sweetness & light helps form that habit, sweetness & light it is. 

Reads: I just finished Picture Perfect: The Jodi Arias Story by Shanna Hogan. It was a good read, she did a very good job capturing the "It's Complicated" relationship between Arias & Travis Alexander. What surprised me was that she made me feel sympathy for Arias without toning down the details of the crime at all. Briefly, Arias & Travis were in a relationship for about six months or so, then broke up but remained friends with benefits. The dynamic between them was that Travis did not see a future with Arias at all, but he was still willing to sleep with her, & Arias was desperately in love with him & willing to continue the sexual part of their relationship if she couldn't have him in any other way. Add in her sociopathy & a probable personality disorder & there you have the slaughter that occurred. I am DEFINITELY NOT SAYING that Travis deserved what happened, & I do think Jodi Arias is too dangerous to breathe free air ever again. It was more a perfect storm of different factors; had Arias been healthy mentally, she probably would have been able to let go of her obsession with Travis & walk away. It's hard enough once you're in the mindset of "This man/woman is perfect for me, why can't he/she see that?" to drop it even when you've got things together upstairs. Anyway, good book, I recommend it, the author is fair to all sides involved.

Fragrance: I've been alternating between Eau Sauvage, John Varvatos Artisan & Shalimar. Yes, the first two are men's colognes, why not? ES is a wonderful scent that mixes lovely, lemony jasmine with citrus notes & basil. Artisan is orange blossoms, citrus & herbs. Both of them are like a cold glass of lemonade on a hot summer's day. As for Shalimar, well, it's a beast that opens with a shotgun blast of bergamot, leather & powdery vanilla, but it's a beast that melds with my skin chemistry, so don't even think about prying the bottle away from me.

Watching: Nothing, really. I don't have cable so it's hard to keep up with new TV shows, & I can't say I miss it. I do watch a lot on South Park Studios though. "The Hobbit" had me ROFL'coptering. I did watch The Europa Report & The Last Days on Mars via Netflix, those were both decent enough.

Outer: Last week this happened.

I took off 8-10 inches of hair, the most I've had cut in almost twenty years, & it's incredibly freeing. My hair is fine & thin, so this looks way better on me than my limp, straggly hair used to. In other appearance news, I've been acne-free for almost a month(!!!). I haven't been able to say that since I was twelve. I'm not sure if my skin finally decided to settle down now that I'm almost thirty, or if the products I've been using did it. I stopped using any products that contain fragrance, & I also switched my sunscreen from one with avobenzone to one that has titanium & zinc oxide in it & I think that really helped. Here's my current "big guns":

Retinol serum to tell my skin cells, "HEY YOU! BEHAVE LIKE YOU'RE HEALTHY!", two different strengths of BHA to exfoliate (the stronger is for areas where I tend to break out such as my chin, & to fade the marks from past breakouts), a vitamin C serum to brighten & that wonderful jar of hippy Vaseline in case I go overboard & get chemical burns/skin flakes/leprosy. Apparently all my skin wanted was some beeswax & propolis to act happy. Either way I'm satisfied.

Resolutions: Work out, eat healthy, drink less, write more. I'm sure I can accomplish those ;-)

Choice or Life?

This post has been brewing for a little while now, and I feel I can put into words what my position is and the how/why it's changed. All right. Here goes.

Abortion. It's an issue that is almost guaranteed to stir up strong opinions. I can tell you by heart every conservative position regarding abortion, because I was once there. Now? 

Once upon a time, I thought the answer was simple: "Stop having irresponsible, unprotected sex and you won't have to have an abortion! What's so difficult about keeping your legs shut, you whore?" After all, I had decided to not have sex until marriage, and I wasn't having a problem keeping that. Why didn't everyone else make the only sensible choice?

I missed one simple thing when I made that argument: there is exactly one person on the planet who I can stop from having sex that I believe is wrong, and that is me. My neighbor? I can't stop him or her. My friends and family? I can't stop them either. Everyone else on the planet? Not a chance. I can control what I do with my own body, and that is as far as any argument about abstinence-only can go. I can share my beliefs with others, I can tell them that I think they would be much happier, but I do not have the right to slap a chastity belt on them and throw away the key. I have one body in this debate, mine. I cannot control what other people do with theirs.

You can't expect an unbelieving world to act as if it believes. What if you had a Jewish friend who came upon you eating a BLT and immediately began to condemn you for not following kosher law? When you make the "Just keep your legs shut!" argument, that's what you're doing. Not everyone on the planet thinks exactly like you do, believes exactly what you believe, or follows the same religion. If we did, your argument might have a tiny grain of merit. 

What I found regarding my position in the abortion debate is that everything became simpler once I relinquished my Bedroom, PD badge. Accepting that people will have sex whether or not I give it my stamp of approval, I am in favor of increased access to contraceptives and maintaining the legality of abortion to ultimately decrease the abortion rate. The statistics are on my side here: legality of the procedure does not have any effect on the abortion rate. In Africa and Latin America, where most abortions are illegal, the overall abortion rate is 29 abortions per 1,000 women of childbearing age and 32 per 1,000 respectively. In Western Europe, where abortion is generally permitted on broad grounds, the rate is 12 per 1,000 (see here for the worldwide numbers). If we could cut the abortion rate in the US by half (almost 20 per 1000), wouldn't that be a start? If you're going to argue for overturning Roe v Wade and enacting restrictive laws for abortion, please at least be honest with yourself that those policies have been shown to increase the abortion rate. 

What does decrease the abortion rate? See here and here. Increased access to reliable contraception, which oddly enough, many pro-lifers are also opposed to. It's the "keep your legs shut!" argument all over again. Just don't do It and you won't ever have to worry about an unplanned pregnancy, and since you're never ever ever doing It you don't need to know about contraceptives or worry about being able to afford them! What I would like to see is increased education, period. When people are educated about their options, they make better choices. Some of them, knowing the possible consequences of an unplanned pregnancy, might even decide that sex outside of marriage or a committed relationship is not for them. You can't make that decision for them, though. It's not your body.  

So what am I? I don't think I can retain the label of "pro-life" as it's currently used, since I'm accepting that other people will make choices that I don't agree with and I can't stop them. I'm pro-education: you should know about your body and its drives. If you decide to follow those drives, whether or not I personally approve of it is immaterial. I don't see the Amish out there slashing everyone's tires because they don't drive cars, or Jews campaigning for outlawing pork, or Muslims trying to re-institute Prohibition because they don't drink. I can't expect an unbelieving world to suddenly start acting as if it believes. If it really is all about saving babies for you, ditch all of the slut-shaming arguments. Start supporting initiatives that will actually help mothers, because three-quarters of women who are deciding on abortion are making that decision because they cannot afford to raise a child. If it's really about saving those babies, stop making judgements about how they were conceived. If it's really about saving babies, you should be supporting any health measure that drives the cost of pre & post natal care down, along with supporting mothers with programs such as WIC and welfare. If it's really about saving babies from being murdered, what cost is too great?